Winning Ways to Talk with Young Children

Author: Betsy R. Schenck, Ph.D., Extension Specialist, Retired, Virginia State University

Recommended by: Dr. Peggy O. Harrelson, Extension Specialist, Child Development, Virginia State University

Publication Number 350-721, September1996

Table of Contents

Winning Ways to Talk with Young Children

How to Win

Self Test

Recommended Reading

Winning Ways to Talk with Young Children

Talking with children involves the exchange of words, ideas, and feelings between two people. Communication is what we say and how we say it. We communicate with looks (scowls and smiles), with actions (slaps and hugs), with silence (warm or cold), as well as with words (kind and unkind).

Adults usually do not have any difficulty communicating with children when it simply involves giving directions on how to use scissors or explaining the danger of ears, but they do have difficulty communicating when feelings are involved either the child or their own.

Good Communication Leads to:

Poor Communication Leads to:

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How to Win

Here are some winning ways of talking with children. Try them out. But remember, what works well for one person may not work for another. If these suggestions are not successful try other ways of communicating based on your own experience and understanding of your child.

Communicate Acceptance

When the child knows that you accept him, just as he is, it is possible for him to grow, to change, and to feel good about himself. When a child feels good about himself he is likely to get along well with others. Accepting the child just as he is, makes it easy to communicate with him. The child who feels aceepted will be more likely to share his feelings and problems .

When Adults: The Child Feels:
threaten "I'm no 'count."
command "I'm bad."
preach "You don't like me."
lecture "I can't do anything right."

Example: Larry says, Mother I'm afraid to sleep alone." Which response encourages communication ?

A. "You ought to he ashamed! You're acting like a big baby! You know there is nothing to he scared of!"

-OR

B. "I know you are frightened. I will turn on the night light and leave the door open for you."

Remember: We can accept a child without necessarily approving of his behavior, just as we "love the sinner but hate the sin." For example, we love and accept Sandra, but we do not accept her behavior when she zaps the baby or pulls the cat's tail.

Use Door Openers

Door openers are invitations to say more, to share ideas and feelings. They tell the child that you are really listening and interested, that his ideas are important, and that you accept him and respect what he is saying. Examples:

Door openers tell the child that his ideas are important, that you are interested in his ideas, and that you respect his ideas.

Listen Attentively

Get rid of distractions and pay attention to what the child is saying. At times adults may need to stop whatever they are doing and listen to the child. It is difficult to run the vacuum cleaner, cook dinner, or read the paper and, at the same time, pay close attention to what the child is saying.

Caution: Do not pretend that you are listening when you aren't. If you are busyă talking on the telephone or entertaining guestsătell the child, "I'm busy now, but let's talk about that later." Then be sure to follow through.

Use "You-Messages" to Reflect the Child's Ideas and Feelings

"You-messages" describe the child's feelings and encourage him to express his troublesome feelings.

Examples:

When children are allowed to express bad feelings freely, they seem to disappear like magic. Hiding bad feelings is self-destructive. They do not disappear; they can lead to self-hate, headaches, ulcers, and violent actions.

Remember: Actions can be labeled good or bad, but not feelings. Feelings are neither good nor had. They exist, and their existence must be recognized.

Use More Do's Than Don'ts

Tell the child what to do rather than what not to do. Using "Do's" rather than "Don'ts" is very difficult, especially if adults already have the "don't" habit. It is very difficult to break bad habits. Using "Do's" rather than "Don'ts" requires much thought and practice. However, the improvement in your relationship with your child will make it worth the effort .

The Don'ts

The Do's

Talk to children as you would talk to your friends. If adults would talk to children with as much consideration as they talk to their friends, they could really communicate with children andbe on the way to excellent relationships.

Talk With (Not At) Children

Talking "at" the child is one-sided conversationă "Put on your raincoat," "You are going to spill that," "You need a haircut." Adults who talk "at" children often use the excuse that a small child cannot converse at the adult's level. But no oneăincluding the young childălikes to be talked "at." You may talk "at" the family dog, or even a tiny baby, but try to talk "with" a young child.

Talking "with" a child is two-way conversationă talking to him and then listening to what he has to say. Forming the habit of talking "with" children rather than "at" them will be especially helpful when they become teen-agers.

Use "I-Messages" to Communicate Your Thoughts and Feelings.

"I-messages" are statements of fact. They tell the child how his hehavior makes the adult feel. Often children don't know how their behavior affects others. "I-messages" are much more effective than "you-messages"when the child misbehaves.

Which sounds better?

"I-message" "You-message"
I need help in picking up know. You sure made a mess.
I don't feel like reading a story when I'm tired. You're a pest.
I sure get upset when I see mud on the floor. You ought to be ashamed!
I can't hear you with all that screaming. You better shut-up!
I don't understand. You're dumb.

"I-messages give the child responsibility for changing his own behavior. For example, if the adult says, "I see a dirt smudge on your face," he is giving the child the responsibility to do something about the dirt smudge.

Caution: Do not use "I-messages"to express anger to children. Expressing anger causes a young child to feel very upset and insecure. Instead of expressing anger, express the emotion which came before the anger. For example, if Bruce knocked over his glass of milk whin the family had company for dinner, embarrassment probably came before anger. Say: "I am really embarrassed when you make such a mess." Don't say: "I'm really mad at you."

Make Requests Simple

Young children have a hard time remembering several orders at a time. Remember when you asked for directions in a strange city'? You were probably confused when told to "go six blocks, turn left and go past the gray slate building, turn right at the third blinker, go south and circle the courthouse." Threeyear-old Sarah will be just as confused when you say, "Go to your room and hang up your clothes but first pick up your toys and put the dog out." Probably Sarah and the dog will both disappear outdoors because "put the dog out" is all Sarah remembers.

Get the Child's Attention Before Speaking to Him

Children can concentrate on only one thing at a time. Call the child's name and allow him time to turn his attention to you before speaking to him.

Examples:

Make Important Requests Firmly

Speak as if you mean it, and give the child a reason why he must do this thing at this particular time. A request made in a wishy-washy manner lets the child think you do not really care whether or not he does what you asked. A child can think about only one thing at a time. When he is involved in play, it is hard tor him to shift his attention to you. Also, he doesn't like being interrupted in his play any more than you do when you are reading the newspaper.

Communicate at Eye-Level

Eye-contact improves communication. When talking with very young children, it may he necessary to stoop down to their level or to sit at a t.able with them.

Adults fail to realize the effect their size has on small children. How would you feel if a giant ten feet tall shook his finger and glared at you?

Say "Please," "Thank You," and "You're Welcome" to Children

Children deserve the common courtesies which adults use with each other. And children learn by imitating the speech and behavior of adults. Let them learn to say "please" and "Thank you" by imitating you. Nagging a child to say "Please" sets a bad example; it is not courteous.

Try Not to Interrupt and Scold Children When They Are Telling You Their Stories

Jeanie came in quite excited and started to tell Mother about the good time she had playing at Betty's house. Mother interrupted Jeanie -rudely and at great length- to scold her for going to Betty's house without permission. Jeanie immediately lost interest in sharing her feelings with Mother. Mother certainly should remind Jeanie of the rule about asking permission, but at another time.

Don't Use Unkind Words Which Tear the Child Down

Unkind words have unhappy results and they cut of communication. Avoid unkind words that are:

Unkind words, spoken without even thinking of their results, make the child Feel that he is disliked They discourage the child and give him a poor concept of himself. More important, unkind words do not help. They only make matters worse.

Use Kind Words to Encourage and Build Up the Child

Kind words bring happy results! They give the child more selfconfidence and help him to behave better, to try harder, and to achieve more. They communicate love and respect and create an atmosphere in which problems can be discussed openly and understandings reached.

Suppose the child has spilled his milk on the floor. You can say, "Don't be so clumsy! Just look at the mess you made"-which leads to unhappy results. Or you can say, "Here is a sponge. Please wipe the milk up"- with happy results.

Examples of kind words:

The Importance of Good Communication

Good communication helps children to develop confidence, feelings of self worth, and good relationships with others. It makes life with them more pleasant now and helps them grow into adults who have good feelings about themselves and others.

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Self Test

1. Translate these DON'Ts into DOs (Show the child what he can do).

DON'Ts

2. Change these statements to "You-messages."

Child Parent
"You're mean. You let Terry stay up later than me." "I'm tired of listening to you argue with me."
"I hate Paul." "No, you don't. It's bad to hate people."

3. Respond to these situations with "I-messages."

4. Keep a record for one day of the things you say to a child when:

5. Estimate the number of times during the day that you say:

6. Ask another person to tape record 10 minutes of your conversation with a child-when you are not aware that your conversation is being taped. Listen to the tape and evaluate your tone of voice.

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Recommended Reading

Brazelton, T. Berry. On Becoming a Family: The Growth of Attachment. New York: Dell Publishing Company, Inc., 1981.

Brazelton, T. Berry. Toddlers and Parents: Declaration of Independence. New York: Dell Publishing Company, Inc., 1986.

Cherry, Clare. Parents, Please Don't Sit on Your Kids. Belmont, CA: David S. Lake, Pub., 1985.

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon Books, 1982.

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: Avon Books, 1987.

Galinsky, Ellen and David, Judy. The Pre-School Years. New York: Ballantine Books, 1988.

Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy. Raising Your Spirited Child. New York: Harper Perennial Division of Harper Collins, 1991.

Samalin, Nancy. Loving Your Child Is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works. New York: Penguin Books, 1987.

Samalin, Nancy. Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma. New York: Penguin Books, USA, Inc., 1991.

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